Chemistry – Should you feel it on the first date?

My first answer would be a Yes. I believe when we meet someone for the first time, we make an assessment in the first 10-15 minutes, possibly less, whether or not we feel an attraction. In fact, in popular speed dating events, there is only a 5-minute window to determine if you want to move forward.  My belief in the goose bumps may have me in the minority though because, in a Match.com study, 59% of us do not expect chemistry to show up until the second date or beyond. What? My problem with that is simply….if there is no chemistry on the first date, what prompts the second one??

As it turns out, a couple of things.

Consideration.  This is the “I’ve been there too” perspective. Every first date is not going to be our most outstanding moment. Many times we are nervous and can’t relax enough to truly be ourselves.  The flow of the pheromones can be interrupted by apprehension. Feeling bad physically can muffle chemistry vibes as well. Several years ago I went on a first date even though I was very ill. I should have cancelled, but I thought I would just get the first meeting out of the way and if I liked him, we could go again when I felt better. I never got that second chance because he never called back. I have no idea if being off my game was a factor, but I will never know. Today more people understand the pressures of a first date because more of us are out there in the thick of things. They are willing to give it one more shot if personality and activity preferences line up and wait for the chemistry to fall in line.  

Curiosity. Life is evolving around us constantly, and either we grow with it or we stagnate. The same person who lit your fire a year or even a couple of months ago, might not do it for you now. And vice versa. Our ideals shift with time and experiences; the people who fit into them may also shift. The initial meeting may not produce a roman candle explosion, but maybe the fuse is just a little longer. That same Match.com study found 35% admitted they fell in love with someone they did not initially find attractive. First impressions are important, but we do not have to cement that impression in our hearts. By keeping an open mind and trusting their instincts, people are finding the second or third date brings out qualities and interests that supersede the first reaction. When this take places, the dynamite happens at just the right moment.

I guess I will change my answer; somewhat. Chemistry does not always have to show up on the first date, but it does have to eventually show up. Personally, I do think that chemistry is extremely important. That dopamine-induced induced racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. It is those fireworks that light the way through the dark moments that can tear down a relationship. It is intimacy that forms the unyielding bond that holds it all together.  Of course, I want reliable and trust worthy. I just want the steady hand that holds mine to also be sweaty. (Just a little)

Hope With Abandon